The first story I must tell…
I have mulled over where to start for days, but I keep coming back to the story that started it all for me. The experience that rocketed me onto this path of wanting to understand, connect on, and advocate for every parent ever. It’s the story of bringing my baby home. It’s my story of becoming a mother.
First, for context, I had my baby at 41 weeks. Before my scheduled induction, I had to take a COVID test. That lovely little test came back positive (although I felt totally fine and had no symptoms at all). This test changed my entire birth experience. I was in a quarantine room during and after birth and my husband, while allowed to be present during the birth was told to leave immediately and could not stay with me. At 4 am after just having given birth I was alone. Just me and this tiny person. I was terrified. I had not a clue what to do, or how to do it.
So began my journey! When I finally brought my baby home, it was like I got punched in the face. I was so unprepared for what those first 2 weeks would feel like. I was crying every day because a thought would not leave my head. “What have I done.” For the first 3 days, I did not feel connected to my daughter. After I finally felt connected to her, I don’t think I felt truly connected to another person for months. It felt like I was lost at sea. I was swimming for dear life, but every moment felt like I was being pulled under. Around month 4 I realized I had PPA (Post Partum Anxiety). I was hyper-focused on her growth, particularly with nap time. I truly believed if she didn’t have a perfect nap, her brain would not grow. My sweet daughter loved to take short naps, and this fact sent me into chaos every single day. I did not understand how to support her if she didn’t do the things that she was ”supposed” to do. It took months to understand that my baby was doing exactly what she needed.
I didn’t know it then but I was being forced to shed every piece of my old life. I have had some friends tell me that when you become a mother, “nothing really changes. You’re just yourself but with babies.” I wanted so desperately for that to be true. I wanted to remain the person I was before I got pregnant the silly, work-focused, immature, unhealed woman I was. But for me that was impossible. Those first few months can only be described as my butterfly times. I was changing. It was painful and uncomfortable. Not to mention being completely unhinged at times with so many people especially my darling husband (that’s a post for another time).
The reason I had to make this my first post, is because it is the foundation for so much learning. How I learned to see myself as a mother. How I learned to love my daughter, and how I stepped out of my old skin. I am not even slightly near done with this growth. In some ways, I think that’s the point of this whole blog. To truly empower you to believe that wherever you are on your life development journey you are not in the wrong place. Growth takes time.
With love, Liv
